when the nights turn into mornings.

here's to life.

soooo, i'm a douchbag! sometimes my boss from my old summer internship contracts me PAID to work for him when he can't. it's just easy theatrical audio and light tech and GOOD money compared to my waitressing gig! i have been aware that he has needed my assistance for his europe trip during beginning of april. anywayyyy, i went last saturday to visit and do the necessary paperwork and figure out my schedule. he just kept saying "for sugarday the 15th, that cool, yo?" i say coo.

breakdown of me this semester: automatic as fuck. all i've been doing is work and a fuckton of time management. so i just kept thinking 15th, 15th, 15th, got it! done. nopeeee. i didn't think of the month the 15th falls under - APRIL. APRIL 15th is my sister's 25th birthday! horrible sister status. :(

i feel like shit. i've offered to go in and figure out if they have a back up of his back up. i don't want to make my boss look like he didn't leave his job to a completely competent worker, though. my sister says it's all good and i know i'll spend every chance i get with her surrounding her bday MINUS the show time, but blah. she keeps saying it's good money and more experience in my feild, but it's not even about that.

i'm gonna try to let this one go with grace, but i know i'm not like that. note to self: never ever care about work more than things that really matter to me.

i just gotta say it. i love my day to day whirl.
tearing down project after project for my last semester of college. random video shoots (i as the audio girl) for different production classes, sound designing projects, and just my own side projects - check, check, motha fuckin' check. i'm so used to thriving on the stress and the business and have fine tuned myself to stay on top of my shit, it's all a matter of time. i'm so happy and appreciative of the paths i've taken...fuck. most of all, what i keep telling myself, when i wake up early on days i don't need to (rare), when i just get lost in thought walking somewhere in the city...anytime here when i just trip out that never had any idea i would be doing ANYTHING that i'm doing right now...i'm so damn proud of myself.

things to look forward to:
editing final projects = screenings/premieres.
graduation.
el salvador trip.

so many folks keep asking what are my plans after el salvador.
at the moment, i don't give a fuck. i've checked out of school already. this semester has already felt like a year. but, i'm milking it for what it's worth, 'cause i love it. and, i know i'm gonna miss it. i'm gonna miss the benches outside of the cage equipment room. bonding with teachers. creative freedom to work with whomever and do whatever project. critiques and making my professors proud of me or talking shit. only working part time (not happy that the one thing i see in my future is a lottttt more work at crepevine). broadcasting friends! AUDIO friends, lord bless 'em. being one of the only girls existing in my emphasis (audio's such a boys club). projects. blahhhh.

my name is nadia lumbang de ala and i have no plans after i get my sweet, sweet degree. suck it.

now i'm listening to erykah like it's always been my own expression.
out of nowhere, when i was parallel parking, he told me he would be alright if i left before he did. and, if i moved somewhere else, sacramento, los angeles, anywhere else in california, he still wanted this relationship. east coast is another story. shit, all i could really do was stop my parking and just say thank you. the fear of holding myself back for a man (one that i love, at the very least and most) who fits so incredibly well with me was tearing me up. especially when i'm working on a project or going through my classes, i get so inspired to do whatever it takes to succeed and do audio and sound design for the rest of my life. it's my passion, it's what i want to always be doing. the likelihood of finding a job in the bay aren't as good as LA amongst other places, but i'm excited now that the ore-hesitation of making such a move is lifted. i know that i couldn't stop giving my work my fucking all and fucking love the person i'm with as much as fucking possible, as well. yeah, yeah, though. silly fucking me even letting a man hold me back, but shit, it is something to keep in mind and prep for. i never want to forget the freedom i have, even within this pairing. it really is my life.

i've learned so much this past summer. my mind can't even try to be lazy.

i've said this enough times without knocking on wood just to make sure i don't fuck it up, and this definitely isn't me bragging, but i am one lucky mother fucker.

seriously, when the going gets tough, when i'm strung and thinned and stretched and pressed and stressed about whatever huge mess i have going on in my life (school, work, internship, family, relationships, amongst many things); whenever one little thing goes wrong or nothing has been worked on, whatever deadlines or task may be at hand, i pull through wonderfully. and, i know i will. granted, it is with giving it my 100% fucking all whenever i do decide to come around to it...at least for the most part. i do try my best to stay on top of my shit, reach for my dreams and allow new ones to come, stay, and/or go.

i get lucky.

i have the biggest hunch that it might be the "fuck it" mentality that has grown within me throughout the good majority of my life. 'cause seriously, fuck it. i love when whatever happens happens. i feel it truly is a good attitude and honest efforts that get you exactly where you should be at every moment in your life. whether you're at work, school, smokin' and bummin' on your homie's couch, eating alone, with a friend, blahblahblah...it's all relative and it's all good. a good amount of fortune tellers that i have gone to for kicks with mis amigas and one particular one that came to me during a break from class at SF State have told me that i have some sort of negativity in my life. well, they also all told me that i need these $300-$500 crystals and sessions and their prayers to help me get rid of it. i finally got the balls to speak against one - the one who tried to charge me $20 (instead of the regular $65 because SHE came to ME instead of me seeking her out) for her reading when i couldn't even buy a banana for 60 or so cents just 10 minutes before. i felt empowered to give her the truth: i am a student, i cannot afford these. some rich people might think their lives are so important that they need your sessions to take care of their horrible negativity, but i can live with it. EVERYONE has negative thoughts, it can't be helped. but, it's what you do, it's your actions that make all the difference...isn't that right? she agreed.

and, right now, i'm pressed for time on these final assignments and tests, but i know i'll work as much as i will and i'll get lucky with that. but, may be lucky doesn't even have to be the best, at least for me. lucky has to be what i deserve 'cause then i can take it, fuck it, and move on.

one other great note, got a sweet internship as an audio and light tech assistant this summer during my interview. that, made me really think of this luck business. holla.

ah...there's just something lovely about half an edible 30 minutes before your shift ends.
i love having my window open late night to let in some fresh fuckin' air into my room. it's so nice not to have butt ass cold weather, especially at night, once in awhile.

study time.

i really do enjoy getting nervous and confident and oh-so-dolled up for interviews - ESPECIALLY if it's for an internship. goodness i love cute shoes with power heel clicks to boost myself with every step i take.

i want people to just love freely more.

this is it in a nutshell, a perfect description:






i can't skip anymore spanish classes. i have to do a couple projects due last week by may 11th when my lecturers who are getting laid off due to budget cuts only being able to pay only actual professors, stop getting paid for this semester. where's that internship at?! i need to get one by mid-may. slacker, fa shooo. :)

tryin' to work out, but failing a bit too much.

writing mood lately.
one of the more serious ones,
incomplete.


i feel like fucking up,
i'm aware that i'm in deep enough to hurt the both of us,
but, amor...i'm just scared.
because if we last long enough to somehow make the rest of our lives work,
i can't imagine the sacrifices that would have to be made.
one of us has to give up all that we've been working for.
so,
amor,
what should we be living towards?
i'm caged from all directions in this United System,
been climbing for higher education,
trying to reach the top of this metal only to awake everyday for with a sunny view of captivity;
been flying through time for bullshit i'm trying to be passionate about,
but only you inspire me nowadays.
it's all i know so, how can i leave this way? i won't ever want you to stay.
but, i admit,
i can't even dream anymore without you;
soon...again, soon, your overworked, two jobs back to back arms will be holding me in whatever little pool of seconds the world allows us to bask in.
i'm about let a beautiful brown brother feel that i'm falling in love with him all over, yet again.
'cause the scent of your tired skin and happy heart affect my tastebuds and
your name falls like honey from my lips for any reason.
i work harder, step happier, stand stronger,
knowing that when i relax into your tired bones, i deserve to be living beside you.
so sweet is this simple love, progressing all naturally.
and quite suddenly,
i understand why baduism states,
"you be boy and i'll be girl."
i've seen this in the world and this feeling is not new to me.
universe, ---he places me in his heart unfiltered;
sediments of shortcomings and regrets broken down by his hands towards these confusions of worth, clear like sudden epiphanies.
this is a simple romance,
cleansing purified water flaming ice through your chest.
it is not new to me,
but this happiness is.
this worry is.
everyday is suddenly new.

i asked him to disregard his feelings about me and us and just tell me what he thinks about me; what would he say if he was trying to tell someone else about me.
he told me his answer, asked the same thing, and i was stupified. mind you, i am fuckin' royalty at eloquence, relaying my feelings, and letting people know exactly how much of the shit they deserve to know they are.

shit, though. i forgot that love is just two people being stupid together.
i liked his answer.
i'm in love, and fear is more uncommon within each day.